PERU, SOUTH AMERICA (AP) – Tensions have been running high for some time, and now the concerned citizens of Lima fear that they are standing on the brink of a long and bloody war between the country’s llama and alpaca populations, after an intense period of insult and counter-insult arising from a distinct lack of respect for each other’s belief systems turned really nasty.
UN observer Herbert Shortcakes, currently stationed in the capital, has reported that the dispute arose following a disagreement over the exact chain of events that will bring about the end of the world, which is expected to occur in December this year. Like most camelids, llamas and alpacas worship a faith that is best described as a mix of Buddhism, Dadaism, and the works of Wilbur Smith, but the exact meaning of this system’s central tenet – that the world’s destruction will be brought about by a gigantic even-toed ungulate stomping across the heavens – has always been open to interpretation.
Local resident and theologian Sheridan Butterscotch explained:
Both sides are members of the Holy Order of Camelids, and as such fully agree that the planet will be destroyed by giant hooves, but as the date of the stomping has drawn ever closer, their inability to agree upon the name of this event has led to the tension levels rising uncomfortably higher and higher. For weeks now llamas have been roaming the countryside spitting on anything in their path, and I believe that, should the UN’s diplomatic efforts fail to work, we will see war break out by the end of the week.
Pastor Tibius Bonanza, a Bactrian camel flown in from the Gobi Desert to help negotiate a peaceful end to the agitation, expressed his sadness at the levels of violence he had witnessed:
It’s really all so unnecessary. The orthodox view is that the destruction event is known as the Great Camelamity, but the llamas are insisting it be called Llamageddon and the alpacas are demanding we call it the Alpacalypse. If only they could see that it’s just a name. It’s not the end of the world…